Dun Dealgan versus Droichead Atha

Well well well, if it ain't the big derby between Dundawk and the Drogs. I've been asked many times this week to state my loyalties on this issue. Who am I for? Who do I want to win?

Well, as a Louth man, or should I say, a Louth "deity", I would be very happy with an outcome which saw a Louth team winning.

Take from that what you will.

What's ten percent of ten percent ?

People all over Ireland were jumping up and down and whooping with delight recently when Bord Gais announced it would "enter" the electricity market with lower prices than the ESB.

I can't say I wasn't thrilled. In fact, I organised a phantom crossroads Céili with some of the fairy folk to celebrate. It takes a hell of a lot of power to light and heat an ancient stone chamber. And no matter how long the heating's on for, the stone walls are always cold. And what with all those otherworldly figures breezing round the place, the old Tí Lugh tends to be a bit on the nippy side.

Muggins here was straight on the phone to this Bord Gáis fellow. Turns out his name wasn't Bord at all, but rather Gareth. Nice chap. I could sign up immediately, he told me. All he needed was my bank account details and a copy of a home phone bill plus photo ID like a driver's licence. As you can imagine, not the sort of paperwork a chief of the Tuatha Dé Danann carries around on his or her person as a matter of course. I don't have a bank account, not having any need for money. As a god, I am entitled to things so I don't have to buy anything. I don't drive, because it's quicker for me to zip round the place in my normal fashion. The home phone bill was easy. I just sent him a copy of my last ESB bill. Feckers charged me 700 euro. I could run an entire amusement park, you know, one of those with millions of coloured lights, for less.

Imagine my chagrin, nay my absolute thunderous anger, when the ESB cynically announced they were going to reduce their bills by 10%. Hmmm, now I wonder where that idea came from. I turned seven shades of crimson red and cringed my teeth so hard you could hear them crunching in Tipperary.

Now I have a choice to make. Do I stay with ESB with their 10% reduction, or do I go ahead and change over to Bord Gáis? Well, the choice is obvious as far as I'm concerned. I have to go with Bord Gáis, because they promise to be at least 10% cheaper than ESB, even if the ESB is 10% cheaper than before.

Try to keep up with me here. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if ESB cuts its bills by 10%, Bord Gáis will still be 10% cheaper than ESB and if ESB make more cuts, Bord Gáis will, apparently, live up to its promise.

Well, they'd better do so. Otherwise I'll unleash the seven plagues of the Badb on every one of them.

If I miss as little as a second of my favourite TV programme, Desperate Housewives, because of an interruption to my power supply, I'll set the Connaught army on them.

Mmmmm, Eva Longoria . . . . .

What? Even a Celtic god has his fantasies !