Two-faced, bare-faced cheek

By the boiling blood of the Fomorians, what the hell is this kamikaze government of ours going to do next? Introduce a tax on sex?

Just this morning I tuned into the airwaves. It’s a magic talent I have, as a Tuatha De Danann god, whereby I don’t actually need a radio. Bet you’re all jealous, eh? But anyhow, to the point.

The radio newsreader said that anyone who had received a bonus payment, or some sort of front-loaded payment of their salary BEFORE the emergency budget would have the new tax levies BACKDATED to January. So if you received extra payments for anything in the past three and a half months, you’re going to be nobbled by the government, even though you might have paid it under the previous tax regime.

And just to ensure that the government is being fair about all this (not), there’s a large group of TDs who are going to KEEP their €6,400 worth of annual bonus pay. What happened to “sharing the pain”, eh?

The Irish Independent reports today on its front page lead story that, and I quote, “Mr Lenihan’s controversial measures to curb politicians’ pay are far from clear-cut.”

Indeedy folks, listen to this. Hearken to this sodden piece of murky financial craftsmanship. “The Department of Finance confirmed that the scrapping of long-service increments would only apply to those who would be entitled to the payment in the future, and the bonus would not be taken off those already receiving it. At the moment, 66 TDs are getting a payment of €6,391 a year for 10 years’ service and six TDs are receiving €3,198 for seven years on duty.”

It’s the dirtiest of slimey slimeball trickery-snickery tactics I’ve seen in a long time. And, having been around for the last 4,000 years, I’ve seen a lot of shenanigans. Including that time when Aonghus tricked the Dagda out of Newgrange because he insisted it needed an Environmental Impact Statement prior to planning permission for a giant ring of stones around it.

This smells of bare-faced, two-faced cheek.

Punish them, I say. Put them all on a boat and send it out to sea, and there rise a great tempest against them and subject them to the lashings and beatings of the wind and the tide for ten years, until in meek penance they return to this island begging the forgiveness of its ordinary common folk, who are suffering mightily from their grave mismanagement of the economy.

Oh, and in the meantime, vote for Lugh Lamhfada.

Fianna Failure - no we can't

I can’t quite explain all my feelings on this week’s emergency budget, but I could attempt to sum it up in a couple of words:

“FECK YE ALL YE SHOWER OF GOBSHEENS”.

Yes, that’ll do it. Lousy feckers. And to think, they ploughed up the beautiful green soil in the Gabhra valley, between the rolling hills of Skryne and Tara, for this monstrous “road to nowhere” called the M3. It’s bad enough that they’ve increased my taxes, but to take the axe to the childcare supplement (poor Cúchulainn) is a shameful act. And then to add the utmost insult to the most grievous injury, the Government went and bailed out the banks and builders who were primarily responsible for getting us into this mess in the first place.

By the power of the Gobann Saor I’ll smash this little party of bandits who dare to call themselves the ‘Soldiers of Destiny’ into a billion smitherines. They’ll come out of the local elections with a national total of about three seats if I’ve got anything to do with it.

Even better, I’ll run for election myself. My platform will be this: jobs and peace of mind for all. I’ll be the Irish Obama, except I’m more transparent than him. Oh, I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean literally. I’m a spectre, remember? !

Here is my election Manifesto:

Lugh of the Long Arm will deliver jobs, will safeguard hospitals against downgrading, will reward those who have worked for the economy, will punish those who haven’t (I love those lightning bolts out of my fingers), stop all useless road projects, start some decent railway projects, prevent the introduction of third level fees, introduce whoopee cushions as an integral part of Dáil entertainment, bring back ice-cream onto the schools meal menu and make playing the Nintendo Wii for at least an hour a day compulsory in the workplace.

I also propose that any houses which have been built and are vacant are auctioned off to the lowest bidder so that hard-working families in this country can have somewhere to live without spending the next 40 years of their lives strangled by crippling mortgage debt.

Yes indeed folks. Change has come to Ireland. Out of misery and despair, let us forge hope and encouragement.

Yes we can.