Fianna Failure - no we can't

I can’t quite explain all my feelings on this week’s emergency budget, but I could attempt to sum it up in a couple of words:

“FECK YE ALL YE SHOWER OF GOBSHEENS”.

Yes, that’ll do it. Lousy feckers. And to think, they ploughed up the beautiful green soil in the Gabhra valley, between the rolling hills of Skryne and Tara, for this monstrous “road to nowhere” called the M3. It’s bad enough that they’ve increased my taxes, but to take the axe to the childcare supplement (poor Cúchulainn) is a shameful act. And then to add the utmost insult to the most grievous injury, the Government went and bailed out the banks and builders who were primarily responsible for getting us into this mess in the first place.

By the power of the Gobann Saor I’ll smash this little party of bandits who dare to call themselves the ‘Soldiers of Destiny’ into a billion smitherines. They’ll come out of the local elections with a national total of about three seats if I’ve got anything to do with it.

Even better, I’ll run for election myself. My platform will be this: jobs and peace of mind for all. I’ll be the Irish Obama, except I’m more transparent than him. Oh, I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean literally. I’m a spectre, remember? !

Here is my election Manifesto:

Lugh of the Long Arm will deliver jobs, will safeguard hospitals against downgrading, will reward those who have worked for the economy, will punish those who haven’t (I love those lightning bolts out of my fingers), stop all useless road projects, start some decent railway projects, prevent the introduction of third level fees, introduce whoopee cushions as an integral part of Dáil entertainment, bring back ice-cream onto the schools meal menu and make playing the Nintendo Wii for at least an hour a day compulsory in the workplace.

I also propose that any houses which have been built and are vacant are auctioned off to the lowest bidder so that hard-working families in this country can have somewhere to live without spending the next 40 years of their lives strangled by crippling mortgage debt.

Yes indeed folks. Change has come to Ireland. Out of misery and despair, let us forge hope and encouragement.

Yes we can.